Wild Horses

On the way to daycare this morning, Cailen was in his car seat staring and staring and staring at the ugly face of his Very Hungry Caterpillar doll.

Staring with so much love (it's his favorite book) and playing with the little food things attached to it.

While he was doing this, so quietly, and so peaceful, Norah jones was singing "Wild horses" on the radio.

The moment stood still.

The car was full of warmth and peaceful silence on this blustery rainy day.

It was perfect and I had tears rolling down my face.

A Thank You to my Cailen

Dear Cailen,

Mommy worked very hard to get out the door this morning before 8AM.

This required a lot of rushing on her part, and a lot of time where you had to stay in your pack n play.

You played quietly and watched the Upside Down show so happily, without a peep. Even when you saw mommy rush in and out of the room without coming to get you, something that usually sends you into hysterics.

You even watched as mommy left the house to put your carseat into the car after daddy borrowed it last night. Mommy came back into the house and saw your smiling face - not the usual panic-stricken face that looks as though you wondered if mommy left you forever.

You didn't shed ONE tear this morning, and that alone made mommy's day.

But, when Mommy was holding you, her work bag, your diaper bag, and your enormous cooler bag full of bottles and food, and struggled to close the door behind her, your head and her head went "clonk."

Mommy said "oops!"And when you burst into such explosive laughter, mommy had to stop rushing just to watch your face find such joy in something so ordinary. And a little painful.

And, with each step down our long, long set of concrete steps, as mommy struggled to carry you and everything else, your laughter continued and continued and just got deeper and sweeter.

And as much as mommy had to rush, she took her sweet time getting down those steps this morning. Because nothing is more important than hearing you laugh, and laugh, and laugh.Thank you for, once again, reminding me of whats important.

By the way - I still arrived to work on time, so it pays to slow down once in a while.

I love you, baby bear.

Mommy

We only have today, CaiCai

Dear Cailen,

Right now, everytime you hear music you unabashadly bop up and down and break into sweet, joyful dance, and I watch you, so happy and free, and think there will be a day when you won't do that anymore because it won't be cool. Or manly.

But I hope there will still be that young, free, uninhibited Cailen somewhere in your soul, bopping, swaying, lifting your arms up to that beat....

Right now, you wake up at 5 AM because you hear daddy, and I know you want to see him because it could be your only chance that whole day. And you watch his every move as he eats breakfast. And gets his coat and keys. And right now you cry and say "no, no, no" as he heads to the door. Even after he hugs and kisses you a hundred times.

I hope someday you understand that daddy does this every morning for you.

Right now you cry for mommy to stop and hold you as she rushes every morning to get you and herself out the door.

So she can drop you off somewhere else for the whole day.

So she can pick you up at the end of the day so she can have just enough time to get you ready for bed and maybe play for a little bit.

I hope someday you know how this is all for you. So you can have a room, a home. a comfortable life.

Someday, being with mommy and daddy won't be the most important thing to you anymore.

And that may be a time when we finally have enough time to spend with you.

We only have this moment together now, baby bear.

...And not a second goes by where I'm not aware of that...

How You Change my Days-Off!

Once upon a time, a day off from work meant a day all to myself. I'd sleep late, stay in bed, read a book, and then eventually get up, get a coffee, and go for a hike or to the gym. I'd come home, take a nice, long, hot shower, and chill out, planning the rest of my day.

Now, a day off from work means waking up at 5AM. And usually it means a day of just you and me together.

And when we cuddle in bed at an impossibly early hour, before the sun even has the energy to come out, and as you drink your milk and it drips down your chin, I don't miss those late mornings. I don't miss one book. Your sloppy milk kisses and your feet in my face are the most perfect part of my morning.

And when I wrestle you to get your shirt over your head, and pull it over your round belly as you screech and squeal with the enjoyment of our getting dressed game, I can't even remember what it was like to have a quiet morning to myself. And I love that its a distant memory, as we share memories that will last forever and ever in my mind...

And when we venture out in the morning, and you doze in the car, your red, full lips open enough for your tongue and a string of drool to pool onto your shirt, I can't remember a sight more beautiful on any hike. No tree, no flower, no blue, cloudless sky compares to the crusted drool and runny nose masterpiece your perfect little face is to me.

And when you wake up, grumpy and groggy, your little face purple with the rage of demanding juice, your bagel, your impatient demand to have everything, all at once, I don't miss those quiet, sleepy mornings filled with my own wishes and desires. You are all the wish and dreams I could ever want to tear through my days of silence and solitude.

And when you reach for my coffee, trying to drink it only because its mine, only because you want to be a part of everything I do, I share tiny sips with you. And your face scrunches up at the bitter taste. and I wonder how I ever could have enjoyed coffee so much without you on my lap, demanding every sip that I take. 

And when we walk down the street, hand on hand, your tiny little body jumping and dancing with each step, I remember the fast, long strides I used to take. Never stopping, never slowing down. Where was I going? I love taking 10, 15, 20 minutes to walk down a street with you. Saying hi to every flower, every bird, every dog. And again you remind me that there is no where else to be but right here. Face to face with a flower, a leaf, a tree. Everyone who passes you stops in their paths to smile and stare at the joyous, moppy haired little boy I have been blessed to hold hands with. To share my world with.

I used to be alone with my thoughts. Now, every minute, I don't even have a moment to think. Every moment is filled with you singing loudly. songs I don't even know, but they are so pretty. And when you aren't singing, you are telling me things. I don't always know what you are saying, but I stop and listen to every word. 

And you show me things I always knew existed, but never knew they existed to you. Pointing to things. On the ground. In the sky. In front of us. The world I was so used to. Taking on the new shapes, colors, and forms that you see. How beautiful your world is, Cailen. 

You fill my day with your sticky yogurt kisses. Your mad little foot stomps. Your new little words. Your deep belly laughs. Your hands full of rocks, pebbles, and leaves. Your hair matted with sweat and dirt that seems to attach itself to little boys in such unique ways. 

How did I go through my day alone, and not marvel at the airplanes in the sky, the little dogs that passed by me on the street, the big trucks that lumbered past? 

Cailen, there are no words to how rich, how full, how amazing you have made my life. Before you, I only had my sight. My thoughts. My words. My experiences. 

Thank you for coming in and stomping all over my life with your happy little Cailen being. 

I love you so, so, so very much, my beautiful, wonderful baby bear.